Just … bloody why?!

Jar Jar Binks, a Gungan

Jar Jar Binks, a Gungan and the author of this blog thinks he fucking rocks!  So haters can piss off!

If you spend much time looking at forums discussing various kinds of fiction or actually pay attention to user submitted reviews – hell, sometimes even damned professional reviews and pro-critics are guilty of this (the latter especially so!) – you’ll find folks complaining that things are what they’re supposed to be!

Yeah.  Take for example the criticism of Transformers by … some movie critic whose name I’m too fucking lazy to look up and who’s clearly too big an idiot to give any credit to (because even if I sit here and say, ‘he’s a dumbarse, here’s how/why’ someone’ll go visiting and then subscribe and … no, I do more harm not saying who, use Google if you care) … anyway back to point.  What’d he say about that movie which was so terrible?  That it was bad because it was nothing but giant robots fighting.

Giant robots fighting is the Transformers!  It’s the cartoons, it’s the toys, it’s the comic book!  News flash!  Tranformers are giant fucking robots divided between Autobots and Decepticons and [drum roll] they fight each other!

Next is fans of Star Wars.  Oh gods the stupidity there could fill volumes.  I love Star Wars, which is exactly how I know I’m not a fan.  Star Wars fans clearly hate the thing and buy it anyway, it’s a masochists club, and that ain’t my kink.

In particular, I’d like to discuss the number of these ‘fans’ who hated the prequels, especially Phantom Menacebecause it’s ‘too childish’.  The entire fucking movie franchise, the cartoons – everything related to it that Lucas had any actual part in was [I like drum rolls] for kids.  He meant it for 8-12 year olds!  Guess what, people, 8-12 year olds adore the prequels.  They like Jar Jar Binks (I’m 32 and I like Jar Jar Binks, and Ewoks – they’re funny).

It’s not just in the SF universes, though.  It’s in books.  And chick flix, and … everywhere.

People really are fucking stupid.

Take for example, the impetus of this rant – aside from having wanted to do this one for years – someone gave a book I was looking at a one-star review for being exactly what the book says it’s about!  Yep, that’s right, the blurb alone would have told this person everything they didn’t like about the book would have been present.  The sample was the first 2 chapters which contained … everything this person bitched about.  C’mon, you spent $3.99 on a book you could have downloaded a free sample of, didn’t like it … and now you’re gonna whine that it’s things you could have avoided the sample even if you’d read the godsdamned blurb!?  What the hell?  Are you retarded?  Or were they reviewing the sample?  I’m pretty sure that’s not intended.  I’m pretty sure the idea of the sample is just so you can discover “Oh, shit, this thing isn’t my cup of tea.  I best give it a miss and move on.”

But I can go one worse.  A book by Ed Greenwood, the charmingly sweet old man who was generous enough to share his fantastic Forgotten Realms setting with the world, well he wrote several books and – I shit you not – some epic dickbag actually fucking put up a negative Amazon review before the book was out.  He couldn’t possibly have even had some advance copy because Ed wasn’t done writing it yet!!  Well, maybe it was written, but still being edited.  I forget which, and it’s unimportant really.

Shit, there is (or at least was) a GURPS book that never existed which Amazon had a listing for.  Notice I say it never existed, this is important, keep it in mind.  Remember how I said it never fucking existed … there are/were reviews of it!  Positive or negative is really not relevant.

Look, people, it’s simple.  Reviews on the condition of the package and the speed of shipping – that’s review fodder for auction sites, like eBay.  For Amazon, you put those compliments and complaints in the Feedback under contact us.  Reviews on retail sites are for reviewing … get this, it’s hilarious, and you’ll never fucking believe it … the product in question!!  No shit, it is.

This, by the way, results in a scenario in which it is considered epic dickbaggery (by the by, thank you ever so much to person who commented on Seanan McGuire‘s LJ that used that term.  It’s my new favourite insult) to be reviewing a product you have not owned, do not own, and do not plan to own.  It’s also generally a good sign you’re, at the very minimum, a sub-intelligent fucktard if you’re reviewing something negatively for being what it’s supposed to be.

I mean, really, criticising Transformers for being giant robots fighting? No no, sweetie, you get upset if it is not giant robots fighting.  Star Wars is for kids?  No, you bitch if it isn’t for kids; the spaceships need to make banking turns and stuff because it’s fucking awesome.  One-star review for a book wherein you bitch about aspects of the book the author gave you fair warning both in blurb and in sample pages?  Give me a moment while I find a nice old cast iron shovel to slap the shit out of you with.

There, I feel better now.

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